Double Cradle

It's one o'clock in the morning and I suddenly have strong feelings to write a journal entry.

I realized that I am slow at processing my feelings. Or I actually chose to delay my response towards my own feelings. Perhaps it is partly due to my poor emotional intelligence. Guess only practical life experiences could help me to grow my emotional strength. Reading materials can only help just a bit. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are a burden that I cannot control with ease. In the many books that I read about sales, the writers all mentioned about various way to put one's passion, motivation and emotion to fuel the drive for sales work. If only I can tap into my emotions as an energy source, then I would not feel so bad about being 

Or perhaps I could not find a place that I belong. That's why I am feeling lost, just like the sense of urban loneliness that I frequently envelop myself in during my teenage years when I wander in the Golden Triangle (Bukit Bintang, Times Square and Low Yat) on my own. Not to say that feeling is bad, but sometimes I do wonder why do I always feel that way?

I guess that being busy with my job and other matters in life's rat race, I delayed my own needs for mental and spiritual exploration, which resulted in the deterioration of my physical and mental health. Whenever I am comfronted with heavy traffic in urban setting, I could sense my blood pressure rise. Likewise, my workout routine have been reduced to almost none due to the additional work responsibilities. Though my living conditions are great, but I can hardly call that my home if I don't even spend much time there!

I guess we can only live life by moving forward but life's lessons are learnt only by looking backwards. So, as I look backwards at my 32 years of memories and experiences, I guess I really never had a life plan to begin with. I just live life nonchalantly with no direction or guidance, without much attachment or much wanting in life. Maybe it's okay for me to be like that. Could this be an effect of Buddhist doctrine that I was exposed to when I was a child? I am pretty sure that I live by the motto of "eat to live and not live to eat" only because because my teacher in Buddhist school told us kids about it and I found truth in it.

Teacher's Day was about 3 weeks ago. And I think about the influence of the many teachers in life that I had. The good and the bad. I guess when parents are engrossed in their working life, teachers become the next-best role models that mould the thoughts of young children. And funny thing is that how some youths tell themselves that they won't become like their parents or elders, but by some god-known reasons, they turn out to repeat the acts of their caretakers. I guess having Mother's Day and Father's Day celebrated around the same time as Teacher's Day may have some meaning behind, that we are all products of the influence of the people around us. So it is really important to surround yourself with people of positive influence.

I read somewhere that life's meaning is found in the relationship we have. But I think I have not accumulated enough life experiences to make such judgement about my life yet. I hope time will give a (good) answer.